Your to-do list is keeping you up all night.
A melatonin-laced gummy bear won’t do shit to combat your every-piling and exhausting list of things you need to get done–the things that haunt you in your dreams (if you had any). Those undefeatable monsters keep you awake: kids doing school at home; healthy dinners to cook (ha!); personal projects you’d like to complete (ha!ha!); and family obligations to attend.
You’d think a bottle of wine and masturbation will do the trick, but nope. You’re staring at the clock as it strolls past midnight, and then you pop up again with 45 minutes until the alarm rings (just enough time NOT to fall back asleep). You start the day cursing mad at the lack of sleep, only to repeat the process the following night. Drink. Rub one out. No sleep.
Things that are supposed to work (but don’t)
If I were a self-help guru, this article would have the title of “17 Proven Tips to Sleep Better at Night.” Thanks, healthline! But you all know the drill: blah blah blah “circadian rhythm” blah blah blah “proper diet” blah blah blah “no screen time.”
In case you are genuinely curious about better sleep and want to try something that medical experts recommend, here are a few tips:
- Go to sleep and wake at consistent times.
- Take a melatonin supplement (aka sleep gummies).
- Don’t drink alcohol or caffeine.
- Optimize your bedroom for sleeping.
- Don’t eat after 6 p.m.
- Clear your mind.
To the medical experts that wrote these handy tips: fuck you.
How things actually happen
Of the six things listed above, only one is somewhat controllable: popping sleep gummies like a junky. Let’s look at the list and talk reality:
- Consistent sleep times? One word: weekends!
- Melatonin? Sure, but ain’t going to do shit against my alcohol consumption, busy mind, and overworked soul.
- No alcohol or caffeine? Go fuck yourself, scientists.
- Optimize your bedroom for sleeping? I’ve seen your selfies with the piles of clothes on the ground, the cat hanging from the curtain, and the three cups of coffee piled on the nightstand.
- Don’t eat after 6 p.m.? What???? After 6 p.m. is when Taco Bell tastes the best!!
- Clear your mind? I teach meditation, and let me tell you: clearing your mind is NOT going to happen, nor is it the purpose of meditation. You can’t shut that POS off. It is your greatest strength and your biggest enemy.
Here’s a platitude!!
“Control the things that you can control.” And that right there is why sleep gummies don’t do shit. We can’t control if our kids are doing school from home (shout out to Google classrooms and Brainly!). We can’t control our bodies’ need for calories to stay alive. We can’t control that such food costs money, thus the need for income. Shall I go on?
You already know sleep is essential: diet and exercise depend upon it. Without sleep, you’ll get fat and die. Or something like that. So what CAN we do about it? Well, there are a few small things we can try:
- Silencing cell phones at night.
- Installing a blue light filter on phones and computers.
- Giving your mind a workout at bedtime: imagine a list of things you are thankful for until you drift off. That’ll wear your mind out!
- Consider getting evaluated for a sleep disorder.
- Breathe through your nose more (tape your mouth shut).
The problem and the solution
We’re overworked and a sleep gummy won’t do shit to solve that. We don’t have to make monumental changes such as feng shui our bedrooms or purge our liquor cabinets. Instead, we can take small steps to make incremental changes in sleep.
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