Make Wall Street Your Bitch

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Go ahead and PEG that bull.

Get behind that bull, pull its horns, and ram it in the ass. Pegging is fun, you freak. But what is pegging? Two definitions:

  1. One person wears a strap-on dildo and penetrates the anus of someone else, preferably with consent and lubrication.
  2. A wise strategy investors use to butt-fuck Wall Street.
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Sex Ed for Virgins

Stocks sound sexy, and they are, but just like sex, it may be overwhelming and complicated before your first experience. You’ll fumble around, but you’ll figure it out. You may not even climax the first time, but you’ll get there. 

I’ll tell you about the basic mechanics of it (stick it in and last as long as you can) and then about safe sex (use protection to avoid diseases that make it painful).

WTF is a Stock?

If you already rub out to loss porn on r/wallstreetbets, move to the next section. For you 40-year-old virgins living in your bank’s basement savings accounts, this part is for you.

A stock is part ownership in a company. Let’s take my company for example. Let’s ignore the fact that I write about fucking Wall Street and also own an energy healing business. That’s irrelevant for this article (I may talk about that another day).

Let’s say I want money for the company, such as wanting to buy better video equipment, pay for better web development, etc. To get money, I say I’ll give you, and other investors, portions of the business in exchange for money. 

You make money in three possible ways:

  • As the company makes money, you get get a portion of the profits (dividends).
  • As the company grows (thanks to the money you invested), the company is worth more. You can sell your portion of the company (called a share) with someone else, hopefully for more money than you originally invested.
  • Someone buys the company, and you get a portion of the sale equivalent to your amount of ownership.
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The Easiest Way to Get Off

There’s a difference between great sex and just getting off. One is lifelong learning and a uniting of souls; the other is a same-day Tinder date. Both have the potential for feeling good, but one is usually MUCH more amazing than the other.

This brings me to the Hugh Heffner of investing: Warren Buffett. He made a bet against some investment bankers. Warren said an index fund… Oh shit, I need to explain index funds first—one second.

An index fund is a group of companies’ stocks. Using the example of my company above, let’s say there is an Energy Healing Index Fund. That means buying into the index fund buys a portion of my company, plus a group of other energy healing companies (but we know there’s only one energy healing company worth investing into, right? But I digress.)

Back to Warren Buffett. He said the SPY Index Fund (known as the S&P 500), which is made of 500 companies, would outperform the investment bankers. In other words, putting money into a fund, ignoring it, and just holding it would perform better than professional stock traders that make trades every minute of every day.

Guess who won that bet? So, if you want an easy way to make money and beat the professionals, you can stick your wad into the orifice of the S&P 500. It does the trick, and even procreates.

The Ron Jeremy of Investing

Peter Lynch is one of the most successful fund managers in history. To give you a perspective:

  • The S&P average annual return is just under 10%, meaning you’ll double your money every 8 years.
  • Peter Lynch’s average annual return was 29.2%, meaning you would have doubled your money every 2.7 years.

During his 13 years managing trades, Lynch’s fund increased from $18 million to $14 billion.

Here’s what you’re going to love: Lynch was confident that the average Joe could consistently beat professional Wall Street traders. That’s the equivalent of a horse-dicked porn star saying a 5-inch-double-pumper is more likely to make a partner climax. Peter (great name, right?) wrote books with similar innuendo-driven titles as I’m using in this article: Beating the Street and One Up on Wall Street.

Memes Cause Chaffing and Densensitilization

When GameStop soared, I gave you reason to sell. Memes, like porn, are substitutions of the real thing that are fun at first but ultimately leads to chaffing and desensitization. There are plenty of meme stocks. In that article, I showed you how to find them using P/E ratios. GameStop is to PornHub as Tesla is to RedTube. 

Simply put, why would you buy my energy healing company for $1 million when it is only worth $1,000?

PEGing is Safe Sex

The way Peter Lynch crushes the S&P 500 is the same way I crush the S&P 500 (because I read his books). We use PEG ratio. You can read about what PEG ratio is and how to pick stocks using it in my article here.

At its core, PEG ratio combines value with growth. In other words, it is finding a company whose price is “on-sale” and whose value is expected to grow.

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According to Peter Lynch, a PEG ratio near 1.0 is ideal, with slightly over likely to grow better. This means that the price of the stock and the growth potential is at a 1:1 ratio. Lower than 1.0 and the stock isn’t likely to grow; over 1.0 and the stock is likely overpriced.

Summary

If you like the idea of stocks, knowing they historically outperform savings accounts and other investment tools, the easiest, most hands-off, and safer way to invest is through an index fund such as S&P 500. However, if you prefer to handpick stocks and do a little bit of research, using PEG ratios has proven to be an effective way to leverage larger growth.

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Thank you for reading, my friend!!

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