The Muffin Murderer and 7 Helpful Crumby Facts

And Nancy Pelosi’s live tweet coverage

February 20 is the hallowed National Muffin Day (despite the homeless-feeding-dogooder Facebook group’s vicious lies saying it is the 21st). But I know why you are here–you want to know about the Muffin Murderer. You don’t want the homeless fed; you want death. Fine. I’ll give you what you want.

The Muffin Man Murdered Children

In the late 1500s, the local baker, later known as the Drury Lane Dicer, would lure kids away from their homes with a string tied around a muffin. He would torture them. Kill them—fifteen of them in total. 

As with most morbid tales and plagues, the children wrote a song about it, “do you know the muffin man of Drury lane?”

Fascinated by this story, I hopped in my time machine to find this killer muffin man. His real name is Frederic Thomas Lynwood. I found him. Here’s an expert of my interview with him.

Ryan: “Why did you kill children?”

Muffin Man: “They were noisy and distracted me from creating new recipes.”

Ryan: “Did you find any good muffin recipes now that the noisy kids are dead?”

Muffin Man: “Actually, yes. I found a great recipe for meatloaf muffins.

Ryan: “Do you know Sweeny Todd?”

Muffin Man: “Who?”

Ryan: “Never mind.”

For those singletons reading this, I’ve heard the Muffin Man/child killer is still alive and single. I swear I didn’t bring him back in my time machine. I think he used stem cells from the dead kids to craft superpower time travel.

Speaking of England

Apparently, the English Muffin isn’t so English, just like French Fries aren’t French. But we’ll have to wait until July 13 for that story.  Historians say someone in Wales threw yeast in a pan, and that was the first muffin. But that sounds disgusting, and besides, this is NATIONAL muffin day, not world muffin day. So we’ll say the English Muffin began in the United States. F*ck yeah!

Speaking of England and their muffins (don’t worry Americans–this is a love letter to you, but let’s feed our brothers and sisters some crumbs), this bloke….wait. A bloke is Australian, isn’t it? Is lad better? Chap? Anyhow, this dude from England survived 11 months eating a muffin a day whilst (British enough for you?) waiting on his Universal Credit outcome. We Americans are too good for universal health care or universal credit, but we’ll steal your muffins. Good choice, right?

In typical trendy hipster fashion, New Yorkers stole the idea of the English Muffin. A baker in Chelsea named Samuel Bath Thomas set up a shop for his English muffins. There you go–proof. And, I doubt you would argue with me that European Aldi English Muffins are far inferior to the Thomas English Muffin. 

Again, I hopped in my time machine to interview Mr. Thomas.

Ryan: “Where any kids harmed in the making of your muffins?”

Thomas: “What? No!”

Ryan: “Why are there so many kids here?”

Thomas: “I need someone to operate my machinery.”

Speaking of Muffin Porn (Safe for Work)

Instagramers will make anything look like you want to bonk it. However, I wouldn’t recommend it, especially if it is toasted. But maybe if it has butter. Hmmm. Up to you.

If you are looking for poetry and pictures of the Americanized English Muffin, here you go.  

What’s something you’d love to slide in between two steamy muffin buns? A hot, thick sausage. That’s right, the McMuffin. America–worldwide.

Muffins–Approved by Congress

Breaking news: “Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) continued to livetweet House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s location Friday, posting ‘She’s now eating a muffin in the commissary.'”

Fascinated by this story, I once again hopped into my time machine to interview HS Pelosi. 

Ryan: “Are you using children to make your muffins?”

Pelosi: “No comment.”

Ryan: “Do you lure kids away via muffin string to kill them?”

Pelosi: “No comment.”

Ryan: “Does President Joe Biden like muffins?”

Pelosi: “No comment.”

Ryan: “Will muffins be part of the next stimulus package?”

Pelosi: “Absolutely.”

On my way back into the modern world, Pelosi slipped me her favorite muffin recipe. It is a carrot cake muffin with cream cheese filling. Thanks, Nancy.

The Real Killer–The Muffin Top

In unsurprising news, overconsumption of muffins causes a you-are-what-you-eat situation: the muffin top. I can’t do justice to the BuzzFeed-like coverage of Brightside, so I’ll feed you some pictures (fewer calories than muffins).

So yes, stop binging muffins and muppets (now steaming on Disney+) (not a paid ad; I just love the muppets). And, eat more salmon. Thanks, Brightside!

Moldy Muffins = Effective PR

Forget catchy article titles–the way to get views is backlinks. In other words, get a superstar to call out a crowd-surfer. Think of it like this: Justin Beiber is to Ryan DeJonghe as Fast Company is to your blog. (You don’t really need a link to Beiber, do you? Fine, here you go.)

To get more views on your blog, have Fast Company call you out with a link. It doesn’t even have to be about you. It can be about moldy muffins. That’s how this real estate company got more internet traffic–a reporter talked about their workers coming back from quarantine to rotten baked goods.

Memes and Zappa

Do you want a summary? Muffins are delicious, both English and cream-filled. Just don’t trust a muffin running down the street with a string tied to it. You might get murdered.

I leave you with some Frank Zappa singing about the muffin man. And more memes. Enjoy!

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