Cat Toothpaste - Funny Images of the $2 Billion World Industry

Cat toothpaste is a $2.2 billion industry made of 4% of all cat owners

If you’re stupid enough to try brushing your cat’s teeth, here are some pictures to help you

The pet toothpaste industry is worth $2.2 billion, and cat lovers drive the fastest-growing portion of that. Speaking of cat toothpaste, here are some facts:

  • 95% of humans brush their teeth daily
  • 8% of dog owners brush their dog’s teeth daily
  • 4% of cat owners brush their cat’s teeth daily

But why? Glad you asked. According to Cornell, somewhere between the large difference of 50-90% of cats suffer from either gingivitis, periodontitis, and tooth resorption. Whatever the hell that is.

bad habits lead to the need for cat toothpaste
cat mouse pad screenshot

Therefore, for the 4% of you stupid and/or obsessed people out there, this article is for you. Plus, in case you’re wondering, there are 373 million pet cats in the world, meaning (at 4%) 14.9 million people are brushing their cats’ teeth. That’s near twice as many people as those that watched the most recently Grammys.

Almost twice as many people brush their cats’ teeth than those that watched the recent Grammys.

Cat Toothpaste Reason #1 – They’re DTF and can’t get a date

Thomas Smith, in all seriousness, believes you should wear a mask around your cat. (Don’t worry, Tom’s extremely-outside-of-the-box thinking also led to great instruction on how to apply cat filters during Zoom, such as that viral lawyer video.) That said, I believe Tom would agree that the reason your cat isn’t fucking is because of their horribly bad breath. They need cat toothpaste.

No cat toothpaste equals no cat dates
no cat toothpaste equals no cat dates

Your cat is jealous of the 14.9 million other cats who have owners that love them enough to brush their teeth. But aren’t you a little sad that your pussy isn’t getting any pussy? (I’m talking about your cat, not you.) Don’t you owe it to your cat’s love life to get them some cat toothpaste?

First step – find your cat

Actually, I lied. The first step is to purchase the best cat toothpaste you can find. But don’t worry. The website (I shit you not, this is what it is called) “MeowMeowPussyCat.com” has the ultimate review of the 10 best cat toothpaste brands.

you never know where fluffy may try to hide
you never know where fluffy may try to hide

Now that you have the best cat toothpaste, thanks to the review at MeowMeowPussyCat.com, you can now proceed to track down your cat. Of course, they are hiding. They can sense your fear. Therefore, don’t be a pussy around your pussy. 

don't be scared of Mr. Fangs
don’t be scared of Mr. Fangs

Often, when cats are hanging out in the sink or toilet bowl, they try to blend into their environment. This means they will either:

  • Lie purrfectly still on the bed, becoming one with the blankets.
  • Eat all the houseplants, hoping to turn into a houseplant.
  • Cram themselves into the smallest box. #Hiding
Purrfectly blended into the environment
Purrfectly blended into the environment

Second step – grab your cat and the cat toothpaste

Forget the towel trick. I’m sure by now, just for thinking about brushing your cat’s teeth, your cat has already severed your arms. Because you’ve lost your arms, you were wise enough to get cat-catching prosthetics for all your cat needs: scooping, catching, feeding, petting, and–of course–teeth brushing.

Fluffy can smell your fear--and the cat toothpaste--just grab her
Fluffy can smell your fear–and the cat toothpaste–just grab her

Because I like you, I’m giving you a bonus tip: use cucumbers. For instance, with your cat toothpaste ready to go in one hand, grab three cucumbers in your other hand. Then strategically place them in a semi-circle, cornering your cat. Then move the cucumbers closer to the cat until you can grab them. 

Felines hate cucumbers. Use this to your advantage
Felines hate cucumbers. Use this to your advantage

Third step – ask your cat to brush its own teeth

Of course, we know that brushing your cat’s teeth comes at an extreme risk of losing a limb and life. Therefore, ask your cat to brush its own teeth. Hand them the tube of cat toothpaste and politely tell them, “Mr. Fluffle Butter, it is time to brush your teeth.”

Dear kitty, it is time for your cat toothpaste
Dear kitty, it is time for your cat toothpaste

Because you are one of the 4% of owners that loves it enough to get cat toothpaste, your cat will recognize this and cooperate completely. Right? For example, ask them to open wide. And they will. 

Ask nicely and they will open wide, just like dentist
Ask nicely and they will open wide, just like dentist

If, for whatever reason (perhaps your beloved is in a cranky mood), your cat doesn’t want to cooperate, then put on a Darth Vadar outfit and use the force. In other words, hold your cat captive using full body armor, an intimating breathing voice, and a soul-crushing grip.

You may need to use the dark side
You may need to use the dark side

Fourth step – rinse out the cat toothpaste

In case I forget to tell you, yes, people have actually asked if they can use human toothpaste instead of cat toothpaste. Also, HealthCareforPets has a training video with a transcript for brushing your cat’s teeth. But what I really want is for YOU to record yourself brushing your cats’ teeth. DM me, and we can talk pricing.

Time to rinse out the cat toothpaste
Time to rinse out the cat toothpaste

By now, I’m sure you will need to clean up. Once, I tried to bathe my cat and ended up with shredded shower curtains, a bloody arm, and a dry cat. But brushing your cat’s teeth is a more intimate affair, which means more cleanup. 

This part is simple: rinse out their mouth with water and have them spit out the toothpaste. Easy! 

Time for a smile and your favorite outfit
Time for a smile and your favorite outfit

Finally, dress your cat up in its favorite attire. It’s ready for its date! Doesn’t your kitty look like a charmer? 

Also, here’s another site that claims a “hassle-free experience” in applying your cat toothpaste. Yeah. Good luck.

Final step – the date

Because we are still in the land of COVID and your cat can’t hook up on the CATNIP app, you’ll have to improvise. Since your feline buddy has a fresh mouth from the cat toothpaste and is wearing its cutest outfit, you owe it a date. Dress up in your tux and have a virtual prom.

date night, thanks to your efforts with the cat toothpaste
date night, thanks to your efforts with the cat toothpaste

Yes, the nosy neighbors may act like you are a weirdo, but realize they are jealous. They are part of the 96% that don’t have love enough to buy cat toothpaste.

Your neighbors are just jealous
Your neighbors are just jealous

Do you want more fun facts?

Cat toothpaste is 100% real. As I said, it is a large part of a $2.2 billion industry. But if you are looking for some other interesting and weird true stuff, check out my other articles:

Also, check out Jack Sheppard‘s every type of zoom call participant, as illustrated by cats.

Plus, before you go, I want to stay in touch with you. Every week I send out five helpful articles and open myself up for questions. I’m not selling anything, just looking to connect and grow together. Find out more and drop your email here or connect on social media here.

You cat loves you so, so much
You cat loves you so, so much

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