If you’re stupid enough to try brushing your cat’s teeth, here are some pictures to help you
- 95% of humans brush their teeth daily
- 8% of dog owners brush their dog’s teeth daily
- 4% of cat owners brush their cat’s teeth daily
But why? Glad you asked. According to Cornell, somewhere between the large difference of 50-90% of cats suffer from either gingivitis, periodontitis, and tooth resorption. Whatever the hell that is.
Therefore, for the 4% of you stupid and/or obsessed people out there, this article is for you. Plus, in case you’re wondering, there are 373 million pet cats in the world, meaning (at 4%) 14.9 million people are brushing their cats’ teeth. That’s near twice as many people as those that watched the most recently Grammys.
Cat Toothpaste Reason #1 – They’re DTF and can’t get a date
Thomas Smith, in all seriousness, believes you should wear a mask around your cat. (Don’t worry, Tom’s extremely-outside-of-the-box thinking also led to great instruction on how to apply cat filters during Zoom, such as that viral lawyer video.) That said, I believe Tom would agree that the reason your cat isn’t fucking is because of their horribly bad breath. They need cat toothpaste.
Your cat is jealous of the 14.9 million other cats who have owners that love them enough to brush their teeth. But aren’t you a little sad that your pussy isn’t getting any pussy? (I’m talking about your cat, not you.) Don’t you owe it to your cat’s love life to get them some cat toothpaste?
First step – find your cat
Actually, I lied. The first step is to purchase the best cat toothpaste you can find. But don’t worry. The website (I shit you not, this is what it is called) “MeowMeowPussyCat.com” has the ultimate review of the 10 best cat toothpaste brands.
Now that you have the best cat toothpaste, thanks to the review at MeowMeowPussyCat.com, you can now proceed to track down your cat. Of course, they are hiding. They can sense your fear. Therefore, don’t be a pussy around your pussy.
Often, when cats are hanging out in the sink or toilet bowl, they try to blend into their environment. This means they will either:
- Lie purrfectly still on the bed, becoming one with the blankets.
- Eat all the houseplants, hoping to turn into a houseplant.
- Cram themselves into the smallest box. #Hiding
Second step – grab your cat and the cat toothpaste
Forget the towel trick. I’m sure by now, just for thinking about brushing your cat’s teeth, your cat has already severed your arms. Because you’ve lost your arms, you were wise enough to get cat-catching prosthetics for all your cat needs: scooping, catching, feeding, petting, and–of course–teeth brushing.
Because I like you, I’m giving you a bonus tip: use cucumbers. For instance, with your cat toothpaste ready to go in one hand, grab three cucumbers in your other hand. Then strategically place them in a semi-circle, cornering your cat. Then move the cucumbers closer to the cat until you can grab them.
Third step – ask your cat to brush its own teeth
Of course, we know that brushing your cat’s teeth comes at an extreme risk of losing a limb and life. Therefore, ask your cat to brush its own teeth. Hand them the tube of cat toothpaste and politely tell them, “Mr. Fluffle Butter, it is time to brush your teeth.”
Because you are one of the 4% of owners that loves it enough to get cat toothpaste, your cat will recognize this and cooperate completely. Right? For example, ask them to open wide. And they will.
If, for whatever reason (perhaps your beloved is in a cranky mood), your cat doesn’t want to cooperate, then put on a Darth Vadar outfit and use the force. In other words, hold your cat captive using full body armor, an intimating breathing voice, and a soul-crushing grip.
Fourth step – rinse out the cat toothpaste
In case I forget to tell you, yes, people have actually asked if they can use human toothpaste instead of cat toothpaste. Also, HealthCareforPets has a training video with a transcript for brushing your cat’s teeth. But what I really want is for YOU to record yourself brushing your cats’ teeth. DM me, and we can talk pricing.
By now, I’m sure you will need to clean up. Once, I tried to bathe my cat and ended up with shredded shower curtains, a bloody arm, and a dry cat. But brushing your cat’s teeth is a more intimate affair, which means more cleanup.
This part is simple: rinse out their mouth with water and have them spit out the toothpaste. Easy!
Finally, dress your cat up in its favorite attire. It’s ready for its date! Doesn’t your kitty look like a charmer?
Also, here’s another site that claims a “hassle-free experience” in applying your cat toothpaste. Yeah. Good luck.
Final step – the date
Because we are still in the land of COVID and your cat can’t hook up on the CATNIP app, you’ll have to improvise. Since your feline buddy has a fresh mouth from the cat toothpaste and is wearing its cutest outfit, you owe it a date. Dress up in your tux and have a virtual prom.
Yes, the nosy neighbors may act like you are a weirdo, but realize they are jealous. They are part of the 96% that don’t have love enough to buy cat toothpaste.
Do you want more fun facts?
Cat toothpaste is 100% real. As I said, it is a large part of a $2.2 billion industry. But if you are looking for some other interesting and weird true stuff, check out my other articles:
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